Shame is Stupid.

Welcome to my first blog post! Please handle with care!

I’m supposed to be writing about deconstruction right now. I’ve been “supposed to be” writing about deconstruction for weeks. I could talk about it for days. If you ask me about my own deconstruction, I could give you a whole MelTalk about it and probably not even bore you to tears. I love to write. So, why does this blank page haunt me? Why is this such a chore? I have so many things to say about so many subjects; just ask my husband. I feel sure that you all are on the edge of your seats, poised and ready to read my thoughts. Again, what is the problem?

As per the usual, I’m texting with a sponsee, and while I think I’m helping her, in reality it’s not about her at all. It’s about me, of course, because, as an addict, even recovered, most things are. I found myself quoting Brene Brown, as most do, when attempting to present as enlightened. “Shame dies when stories are told in safe spaces.” Brene defines shame as “the intensely painful feeling or experience of believing that we are flawed and therefore unworthy of love and belonging—something we’ve experienced, done, or failed to do makes us unworthy of connection.” (Brown, 2013) Very cute, Brene, as I’m doing my very best to avoid connecting with others via a blog, and here you come with this quote that I haven’t used in I-don’t-know-how-long, and just wreck me with the answer to my problem.

Freaking shame.

It’s always once we think we have a problem licked that the darn thing sneaks back in and... does it really, though? Does it sneak back, or was it never really gone? Is shame one of those things with which we will always struggle? Ugh. Likely so.

I can tell you from my head that I am not a “wrong thing.” I can tell you from my head out of my mouth, and maybe even pass a lie detector test, that I do not believe I am unworthy. But this heart of mine is a real booger. The heart is deceitful, or so the saying goes. What verse is that? Ah, Jeremiah 17:9, thank you, Google. How did I ever survive Bible College without the Google? So, let’s read that in context (I’ll spare you the whole chapter, but you’re welcome to go read it yourself):

“Jeremiah 17 reaffirms that in the midst of societal decay and the pitfalls of human nature, placing unwavering trust in God leads to blessings and endurance. The chapter's poignancy is found not just in its exposition of Judah's sin, but in its powerful depiction of divine faithfulness to those who trust in the Lord. It serves as a stark reminder to honor God’s commandments, the importance of a sincere heart, and the trust in divine justice.” (Jeremiah 17 Chapter Summary, n.d.)

So, let’s look at verses 9-11, NIV:

9The heart is deceitful above all things

and beyond cure.

Who can understand it?

10“I the Lord search the heart

and examine the mind,

to reward each person according to their conduct,

according to what their deeds deserve.”

11Like a partridge that hatches eggs it did not lay

are those who gain riches by unjust means.

When their lives are half gone, their riches will desert them,

and in the end they will prove to be fools.

(Jeremiah 17:9-11 NIV, 2011)

Bible Hub goes on to say, about the verse quoted above:

“The treachery of the human heart is examined in these verses. The heart is depicted as more deceitful than all else, and only God can understand it. God examines the heart and rewards each according to their deeds. The message that ill-gotten riches do not profit in the long run is also conveyed here.” (Jeremiah 17 Chapter Summary, n.d.)

Basically, these verses explore the complexities of the human heart. The heart is shown to be more misleading than anything else, and only God truly understands it. God looks into our hearts and gives each person what they deserve based on their actions. This message shows that money gained in the wrong way doesn't bring lasting benefits. At least that’s what the Bible says. As I’ve gone on in my faith reconstruction, I cannot say that I always believe that our hearts are deceitful (that's a different blog for a different time), but in the context of wealth, it certainly is. See how tricky the things we have been taught are, and how they can sneak up on us?

Okay, so where were we? Oh, I was having a difficult time believing in my heart that I am not “a wrong thing" and that I am struggling with shame, which was keeping me from writing a blog that maybe someone will read someday who is struggling with the same belief. Is my heart being deceitful in this aspect? Abso-freaking-lutely. And here is why:

Psalm 139:14 NIV:

“I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful; I know that full well.”

The phrase refers to God's care and attention as he created each person. It implies that humans are individually handcrafted and that God created us in an intricate and meaningful way. Some think we ought to be amazed by this and not take ourselves too seriously. (Allberry, 2022)

Another of my favorites is verse 16, which states that all of the days ordained for me were written in God’s book before any of them occurred. That means that every mistake, every good choice, every screw-up, every bad word, every dumb decision, every crappy day… all of it, He already knew would happen, and He chose me anyway. Not only did He choose me, but He chased me down, saved my life, freed me, and brought me to this point where I would question it, doubt myself, in turn doubting Him, and He did it anyway. What even is this God? Who is this Dude? This is where I understand the lyrics of “Reckless Love” by Cory Asbury (Bethel Music, 2018), and I don’t care what the critics say. That songs hits different when you’ve come through some stuff, and who hasn’t come through some stuff?

That's all I have to say today. Shame is stupid, and it dies when you can tell your story in a safe space. I appreciate that you’ve been my safe space, and I am here to be yours.

References:

​‌‌‍‍​‍Allberry, S. (2022, January 3). What does it mean to be fearfully and wonderfully made? Crossway. Retrieved November 29, 2024, from https://www.crossway.org/articles/what-does-it-mean-to-be-fearfully-and-wonderfully-made/

​‌‌‍‍​‍Asbury, C. & Bethel Music. (2018, January 20). Reckless Love (Official Lyric Video) [Video]. YouTube. Retrieved November 29, 2024, from https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Sc6SSHuZvQE

​‌‌‍‍​‍Jeremiah 17 Chapter Summary: Bible Hub Chapter Summaries and Bible Study questions. (n.d.). Bible Hub. Retrieved November 29, 2024, from https://biblehub.com/chaptersummaries/jeremiah/17.htm

​‌‌‍‍​‍Jeremiah 17:9-11 NIV. (2011). Bible Hub. Retrieved November 29, 2024, from https://biblehub.com/niv/jeremiah/17.htm

​‌‌‍‍​‍Psalm 139:14 NIV. (2011). Bible Hub. Retrieved November 29, 2024, from https://biblehub.com/niv/psalms/139.htm

​‌‌‍‍​‍Psalm 139:16 NIV. (2011). Bible Hub. Retrieved November 29, 2024, from https://biblehub.com/niv/psalms/139.htm